So ‘they’ were right as I snatch this window of opportunity to write (7 months in between blog posts isn’t that bad right?!) Charlie is sleeping (yey!) and I’m trying desperately not to go to bed with him and finish everything that didn’t get done today…and therein lies the one of the many challenges of motherhood, never being able to finish fully what you set out to do and being OK with that!…… but is motherhood more challenging at 40 than 20 years old?
I was incredibly nervous about the birth, to my disappointment I was strongly advised from early on in my pregnancy that a cesarean section would be advisable due to a low lying placenta, large fibroids and my age, my obstetrician simply said at 40 you are not as ‘elastic’ as a 20 something. So my vision of giving birth in a field with my yogic breath, butterflies overhead and just my husband by my side were well and truly squashed. Now, on the other side I can honestly say that my birth experience really was the most peaceful, pain free and serene experience. As I walked into theatre, the bright eyed anesthetist reassured me over his surgical mask that this was the safest option for me and my baby, at that point I relaxed and 53 minutes later we met our darling boy. The next 48 hours were spent in a dreamlike state as Charlie lay on my chest and I stared for hours at this perfectly formed being; his ears, intricately formed like rose petals and his soft precise eyes, closed as if carved in clay. We marvelled at the complexity and perfection of nature, and in such an advanced technological world, the creation of human life remains inexplicable, beyond comprehension…a mystery, a miracle. When we left the hospital I couldn’t believe that this dream was actually reality and we got to take him home.
I am loving being a mummy, I have found it a privilege, surreal, humbling, exhausting, enlightening and healing – did I mention exhausting?! I have listened to mums with older children, who say ‘it goes sooo fast, really appreciate this age’ so with each hug I do my best to absorb him, smell him and get as present as I can – trying to push my ‘to do’ list to back of mind. And yes, part of me wishes I had experienced motherhood sooner as I think I would have had a tribe! and I want to see Charlie grow for as long as possible and perhaps my deflated balloon, postnatal body would spring back far more easily and maybe I would cope better with sleep deprivation? ..after all clubbing ’til dawn and being at desk by 9am was very achievable at 25?! But in my 20’s and 30’s I can’t say that being a mum or indeed domestic goddess was high on the list of proirities in fact I don’t think it even made the list?…
Life was about getting a degree, moving to the ‘Big Smoke’ to have an enviable social life and reach the glittering heights of a glamorous career in ‘mediaar’ …but all I had to show for my Brigit Jones-esque 14 years in London was a lot of flat shares, a ‘colourful’ career path, many drunken nights and failed love affairs, an overdraft and a battered but loyal old bike called ‘Betty’. Rather than a leg up on the property ladder I slowly slid down the London Tube line from W11 to SW something…. But perhaps fate always knew (even if I didn’t) that motherhood would eventually find me and it would fill me with love and purpose like no other. Perhaps if I hadn’t been so focused on an illusioned, ‘insta’ worthy life I would have found the simpler, family life sooner rather than later and saved myself and lot of drama along the way?….
But there is something to be said for being an older and marginally wiser mum. When Charlie came along I was definitly in a more peaceful, loving and stable place compared to that of my younger soul searching self and I hope that demeanour will permeate into my parenting. Life before Charlie was full, varied and rich with travel, relationships, career paths and lots of FUN! Sooo by the time he came along I had found a healthy relationship, scratched (some) of my travel bucket list and firmly trodden many different career paths and dancing ’til dawn isn’t quite as appealing now as an early night and sleeping through until dawn!
There is perhaps a mild battle between old, free spirited, independent self and new attached and dependant self but it is not something I dwell on and in fact I try and balance both by teaching and practicing yoga when I can and as I say to my mamas – just a moment on your mat and connecting to your breath is better than none!
There is one thing I definitely have as a older mum, which is pots of gratitude for our gift and the toughest but most satisfying job ever.
“Having kids—the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings—is the biggest job anyone can embark on.” – Maria Shriver
What is your opinion? is older or younger motherhood better? I would love to hear from you.
Until next time! Which I will endeavour to be a weekly not bi-annual post!
The Yogi Mama
Camilla
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